Lettera a me stesso vol. II

Is funny.

If I look back, it all looks kinda ironic. Yesterday I was writing of my years, my years passing by without a fucking thing I can hold in my hands. Only a fist of sand that flows through the fingers.
That's me. That's my life and legacy.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
We are made of this, after all.
Isn't pointless to seek vane glories, when we are destined to die, after all? We seek immortality after us, but what is left is only a bunch of stories.

So here we are. Three years passed already and I'm still here writing of me and trying to make sense of all the nonsense that is all my life so far. I could write the same questions again, and I wouldn't have any answer. Gratification is still delayed to an unknown future, while Godot hasn't arrived yet, but I'm too busy preparing myself for the mythic Tartars that one day will come and will make my life finally worth living.
So I'm here, defending the fortress from the barbarians, that last bastion that has become my body, my soul, my shattered identity and blurred destiny.
Why I'm writing this? What I'm complaining of?
I'm still young, I still have relative good health, I have a loving family, warm friends, some vague purpose to drive my life. I shouldn't have any regret. Yet, is easy to fall in the trap of not being satisfied enough for what we have.
Because, you see, while my life is moving around me like wild waters, I feel like I'm still anchored here, in the same harbor of forever. Nothing has changed, really. Nothing of me.
The fact is that I'm still at the beginning. The beginning of something I have no idea what.
A monopoly piece stuck in jail without passing from the "start". I wonder when I will exit from here and start to play my game?
All the opponents seems to have started playing already, buying properties and collecting money everywhere. Not me.
I'm still here, waiting for the turn that never comes.

Am I making real progress? Apparently yes. Three years back my goal was to move abroad, and in fact I'm here, now.
And I'm so happy and proud of that.
But this is still not what I planned. What is that? When I will collect real progress and I will stop to waste my time so uselessly?
Unfortunately I'm not going anywhere, and I have to move the waters if I want to leave this harbor.